Finger on the Button
by princesshyper
Summary: The Doctor's in trouble.  He Calls River for help.  Naturally, an arguement ensues.
1. Chapter 1

**Basically, this is a re-write of the amazing prequel to the most recent Christmas special The Doctor the Widow and the Wardrobe where the Doctor calls River for help instead of Amy.**

**As much as I wish I did, I don't own Doctor Who.**

The harsh ringing of a phone echoed along the dimly lit corridor, shattering the dreary silence of yet another night in Stormcage. The light footfalls of the guard on patrol came to a stop, the man's boots grinding against the cold concrete floor as he spun around, before starting back in the direction he had come – this time with more of a sense of purpose (even if the sudden and unexpected noise had startled him slightly.)

After all, even though prisoners were entitled to phone calls they didn't usually come through this late in the evening, and certainly not through the prison's internal phone system which ran on the most secure encrypted frequencies in the known universe. But as he glanced into the cell opposite the still ringing communication device he realised that he really shouldn't be surprised at all, stranger things happened all the time with regards to this particular prisoner. Far stranger things. He cast a last wary glance into the shadowed cell and picked up the receiver.

River Song sat cross-legged on her narrow bed reminiscing about shared adventures and fond memories as she carefully sifted through a collection of photographs. They showed her, her parents and, of course, her Doctor striking various poses in a number of memorable locations scattered across time and space. She sighed contentedly as she looked at them, a small smile creeping onto her face.

_Honestly, I'm getting as bad as he is in my old age! Nostalgic idiot…_

She heard the ringing of a phone and watched with half an eye as one of the guards came back down the corridor to answer it, her thoughts still on her photos and the people in them.

"Hello. Cell 426," greeted the guard.

"Cell…?" the person on the other end of the phone sounded confused. "Ah! Yes! 'Course! Hello! Sorry to bother you, I was hoping to speak to River Song. Got a bit of situation going on here. Well, an emergency really, an emergency situation, a really rather bad situation requiring emergency advice slash assistance! Is she available?"

The man was speaking very quickly and seemed to be rather agitated, so much so in fact that the guard had trouble making sense of what he was saying. Although he did manage to pick out a few key words, enough anyway to get the general jist of the man's request.

"You want to speak to Doctor Song?" he inquired.

River's head shot up at the mention of her name and she switched her full attention to the conversation taking place in the corridor outside her cell.

"Yes! If you could! That would be brilliant! Aahaaahah!" There was a strange sparking noise in the background and the guard had to jerk the phone away from his ear as the man shouted loudly.

"Can I ask who this is, please?"

"Her husband," the man answered simply.

"One moment, Sir," the guard answered politely, if a little distractedly, a look of confusion crossing his face as he turned around slowly, his brow furrowed and his mouth hanging open slightly, to address the woman sitting bright-eyed and attentive in the cell opposite him. "Doctor Song…?" he began a little unsurely. "Your husband's on the phone... He says it's an emergency?"

River rose from her bed swiftly, placing her photos down on the blanket as she did so, promptly taking the phone from the guard and nodding her thanks as she put the receiver to her ear.

"Sweetie?" she asked, her tone tinged with worry.

"River! Yes! It's me!" he answered in his usual excitable manner.

"I gathered that much, dear," she answered dryly, "the guard said there was some sort of emergency?"

"Yes!" he shouted, as if he had suddenly remembered something important. "Yes there is! An emergency, big emergency! Most definitely an emergency! Matter of life and death in fact, _literally_ life and death! Y'see, I've got my finger on a button-"

At this point River rolled her eyes, there was no way this story was going anywhere good.

"Which is fine!" the Doctor insisted.

_I highly doubt that…_

"But as soon as I take my finger off the button the spaceship is going to blow up!"

_There we go._

"Which is good in one way!" he assured her.

She tipped her head back and closed her eyes in a long suffering way as she listened to the rest of his predicament.

"Because the spaceship in question is about to attack the Earth!"

There were crackling, spitting noises in the background that she could only assume was the malfunctioning of components of a complicated electrical system. Several frantic shouts from the Doctor and the tell-tale whirring of the sonic screwdriver confirmed her suspicions.

"But bad in another way! Because I'm on the spaceship and I'm going to get all smithereen-ed!" he concluded. "Now! Plan-!"

"There's a plan?" she asked sceptically.

"Of course there's a plan!" he replied indignantly. "What sort of an idiot do you take me for Doctor Song?" he continued flirtatiously.

River opened her mouth to reply but though better of it – this really wasn't the best time to get into one of their bickering sessions. There would be plenty of time for that later once she had performed a daring and miraculous rescue (she was assuming that was involved in his master plan at some stage).

"Do you have a vortex manipulator handy?" he asked.

"I do as a matter of fact," she replied as she inspected her nails non-chalantly, thinking of the device she had secreted away in her cell.

"Good! Makes things much easier! Basically, I'm going to send you the co-ordinates and you're going to come and rescue me!"

River nodded, her suspicions confirmed.

"I can only see one flaw with this plan!" he announced before she had a chance to say anything, however.

"Which is?" she asked, suspecting she knew what was coming.

"I don't have the co-ordinates."

_Of course not, that would make it far too easy._

She decided to keep that thought to herself, instead asking, "What about the TARDIS? Where is she?"

"Down on the planet somewhere!" the Doctor answered, shouting to make his voice heard as more sirens started up in the background.

"Specifics Sweetie!"

She listened as he rattled of date, approximate time, location, and nearby landmarks to help narrow down the search.

"Don't worry, I'll find her," she promised. "I'll be there."

"I know you will." She could hear the smile in his voice, he seemed much calmer now despite the chaos she could still hear unfolding in the background.

"Don't move!" She ordered.

"Cross my hearts!" he replied cheekily.

"Doctor…" she warned.

"I won't. Promise."

"Alright, see you soon."

And with that she passed the phone back to the guard who hung up. River turned in her cell, looking to the secret compartment where she stored her vortex manipulator and her trusty hallucinogenic lipstick.

"Oh, Doctor," she muttered to herself, a smirk making its way across her face.

"The things I do for you."


	2. Chapter 2

**Thank you to everyone who took the time to read this story :) especially those who reviewed, favourited or alerted!**

River Song was not amused. Not even remotely amused. In fact she was far from it.

She had managed to get out of Stormcage, make it to Earth – in the right time period, on the first try, unlike some other people she could mention – and had just managed to locate the TARDIS when a meteor (or what certainly looked like a meteor) came plummeting from the sky and crashed into the ground nearby with considerable force. She estimated that the crash site was only about half a mile away and decided it would be best if she went to check on the situation, what with there being a hostile alien spaceship in orbit and all. Her mission to rescue the Doctor could wait a few minutes, the TARDIS was a time machine after all, and she could be picking him up and flying them both to safety before the old girl had even taken off.

That was how it was, then, that she found herself standing on the edge of a crater, arms crossed firmly across her chest, and an expression on her face that would make a platoon of Judoon turn and run. She could see she was right to investigate; the falling object had not been a meteor but had most likely originated from the ship in orbit. It was a man in a futuristic spacesuit (or what certainly looked like a man in a futuristic spacesuit – River was willing to bet rather a lot of money that it was in fact a Timelord in a futuristic spacesuit).

As she stood there watching, the unfortunate life-form began to stir; he moaned and groaned as he came back to consciousness and dragged himself to his feet, tottering about in the bottom of the pit. River, however, made no move to help.

"You just couldn't do it could you?" she demanded.

"River?" he questioned uncertainly in a voice still muffled by his protective clothing.

"You couldn't even stay still for two minutes! Honestly! I wonder why I bother sometimes if you can't even follow simple instructions!" she continued hotly, gesticulating forcefully to emphasise her point.

"It wasn't _my_ fault," he continued pathetically, turning around gingerly in the dark to try and locate her. He couldn't.

"It never is!" she countered, throwing her arms up in exasperation.

"Do you know how hard it is to keep your finger on a button when it's all sparks and sirens and angry aliens looking for you? I'll tell you – it's very difficult! Where ARE you?" he finished agitatedly.

"I'm right here!" she said tersely, watching as he roamed about in the crater waving his arms in front of him before lifting them to his helmet. He felt about quickly and gave an experimental tug, before turning in the general direction where she was standing with her hands on her hips.

"River?" he started gingerly. He may not be able to see her thunderous expression or her less than pleased body language but he could certainly guess at them from her tone of voice, and decided he had best proceed with caution lest he provoke her any further.

"Yes?" came the reply.

"Seem to be a bit stuck, would you mind giving me a hand?" he asked pleasantly.

With a sigh and a roll of her eyes, River started down the side of the crater towards him.

"Hang on," she instructed as she reached him. He reached out clumsily and put his hands on her hips to steady himself as she placed her hands on either side of his helmet and began to twist and tug. "I can't-" she started, breaking off suddenly as she realised something. "Doctor?"

"Yes?"

She sounded amused now, "Have you got this on back to front?"

There was a pause.

Then, "Possibly."

"How on Earth did you manage that?" she asked, laughter in her voice.

"Easy thing to do when you get dressed in a hurry. And I wasn't on Earth I was in a great big, unfriendly, exploding spaceship. Hence the getting dressed in a hurry." He felt the need to inform her.

River rolled her eyes for what felt like the thousandth time that day. "Oh, come here you daft man," she said fondly, tugging him closer again and bracing one hand on his shoulder as she renewed her attempts to remove the backwards helmet.

They continued like this for a while, struggling and straining in the bottom of the shallow crater with the occasional grunt of effort or strangled word of protest (on the Doctor's part) usually followed by a tut and a sigh of annoyance or an exasperated "For goodness sake!" Until eventually River gave up, declaring "Sorry Sweetie, I can't get it off. Let's head back to the TARDIS, she isn't far."

"But, River…" he whined.

"What?" she asked, her patience beginning to wear thin again.

"I can't see anything!" he continued in the same childish tone.

"Don't worry, I'll help you," she promised as she took his arm and began guiding him towards the crater's sloping sides.

They made quite the pair as they walked along, and River couldn't help but laugh at the way the Doctor frequently stumbled over his own feet, which caused him to cross his arms in a huff and (presumably) pout beneath his helmet. The TARDIS came into view and they entered it in relief, feeling calming waves wash over them as they stepped through the door.

"Ok, you wait there," River instructed, gently pushing him down into the jump seat, "and I'll go and fetch some tools so we can get this thing off."

"Okay." The Doctor agreed. "River?" he questioned after a moment.

"Mmm?" she answered distractedly as she searched through his tools for something suitable, discarding things on the floor beside her with a gentle clatter.

"What happens if it doesn't come off?" he asked.

"Of course it'll come off." She sounded closer now and he could hear her footsteps as she made her way up the last of the stairs and over the glass floor towards him.

"I know. But what if it doesn't?"

She smiled and knelt down in front of him, placing her hands on his shoulders reassuringly. "Well," she began, "I've always had a bit of a kink for masks, Sweetie…" she trailed of suggestively.

"River!" he scolded, scandalised.

She threw back her head and laughed.

"Now. Sit still."


End file.
